my phone needs a breathalizer
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
