we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
