Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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