As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
