Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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