I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
