woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
