I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
