My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
