Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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