Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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