I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
