i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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