I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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