Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
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nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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