My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
