what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
