Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
