Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
