I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
