his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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