now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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