Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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