yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
