I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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