My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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