My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
