im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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