Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
