I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
