Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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