its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
