he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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