Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
