Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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