Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
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She tied me up with her honor cords...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
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I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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