life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
