Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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