Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
