I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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