TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
