yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
