you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As shirtless as possible
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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