Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
