I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just had sex on a roof
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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