I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
