i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
