I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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