I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
