your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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