I bet he comes in French.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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