No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
