i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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