My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
