clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
