So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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