He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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