Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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