I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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