His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
