It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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